Saturday, March 17, 2012

Time To Write My Own Script

The end of what? The end of the LIFE that was lived to please others! The end of the LIFE that you thought you were suppose to be in. The end of the little girl catering to the family dynamics, the HERO child is FUCKING sick of being the HERO! The True authentic self has risen from the dead. My mind no longer blocked from Fucking TRAUMA, don't EVEN feel sorry for me. I NEVER ever want potty. That is the worst thing anyone can do is treat me with pity. I'm a FUCKING warrior who's been in battle all her LIFE. The scars you see I wear proudly!!!!!! You see I was always the PROPER girl, the one who had to never drink, never smoke, never have sex, and GOD forbid I have fun, really what is FUN? I'm using FUCK allot here because it's such a freeing word right now. I NEVER ever use to curse, God forbid I curse. Right here you may think I'm going to place the blame on my parents......well Gotcha! I developed this family dynamic in my own head as a child. DID my parents contribute to my family dynamics, yes OFCOURSE! The dominant screaming mother, the passive father who just wanted peace (oh yeah he molested me as a child), the PSYCHO sister who was deviant, alcoholic drug head. Yes, OFCOURSE these beings had some role to play in my Play. I was such a great Director, or so I thought! What my play lacked was a different Main Character, the HERO With a Voice! The Hero child that was able to be a child. Ok should we even call her a HERO child? That's the retake right there. She took on too much as a young child. She missed some steps, she didn't know that she could be a real kid with real feelings that belonged to her. The ROBOT has truly broken! The Repairman not needed! She has a reboot button and she can repair herself and when she hits reboot, she turns into a HUMAN who writes her soul and isn't afraid if ANYONE READS it, her stories must be told! Her puzzles don't need to be finished. Her art is in progress and "HER" LIFE begins!!!!! She makes NO EXCUSES for who She IS! 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Senior Portrait

My oldest daughter Hailey is graduating from High School this year and this brings to mind the life I never LIVED. If you've never allowed yourself to be you, have fun, get crazy as a teenager then what are you left with at the realization at the ripe old age of 43? Can I go back in time? NO! I do realize every part of my life has led me to the person I am today! I'm so grateful God has been with me on my Journey and HE is with Hailey now.

I'm so very proud of my daughter and who she is. I'm confident that she will make wise choices and she has a great future ahead of her. Even though she is turning 19 this month I still see her as my little girl that I want to protect, I guess that will never change.

Note to self: thank you God!!

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