Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I had to admit some COLD HARD FACTS about the person that I've been. This past year I've been truly PISSED OFF AT GOD. After being married to the Love of My Life and truly finding happiness I was injured of all things by my chiropractor. I then began the roller coaster ride of trying to find a cure for my severe pain. I saw Doctors, Physical Therapist, More Doctors, and then finally a Neurosurgeon. After countless pain medications, steroid injections, and many sleepless nights I had arrived at the inevitable, Surgery. I didn't admit it to myself then but I can admit it now, I was truly PISSED OFF AT GOD. I dare He put me in this situation, in pain, unable to sleep at times, basically a useless person to myself and to my family. An additional note my father was basically a vegetable waiting to die and yes he did all in this, "YEAR OF PAIN". Oh let's not forget to add to the "YEAR OF PAIN", my daughter had another surgery to move her pacemaker. As I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself, how did I make it through? I wanted to control the God I knew. I wanted my way, my time, my happiness, and all of that seemed like a dream that I would be unable to reach. I had married a wonderful man and my family was complete. I had a long list in my head of the person I thought I had to be, the PERFECT WIFE, the perfect HOUSEKEEPER, the perfect MOTHER, and the perfect COOK. Needless to say I could barely make it through some days, so I felt short of who I had to be. Too many " I's" can get you in trouble, God doesn't expect us to carry the weight of the world, that's His Job. (Thank Goodness)
If God doesn't do I's, what does God really do? God does what He wants to do! I have NO CONTROL OVER GOD and neither do any of us. I had somehow lost my way through the pain and was focused more on the " I's" than the one above. All I could see were the things that I couldn't do, for myself and for everyone that I loved. I truly realized how much pride I had in this year of pain. It was so difficult to let my husband do all the things I was supposed to do. He cooked, cleaned, and waited on me when I could barely move. In my mind I was supposed to be the one doing everything. Again, God had other plans, he showed me the meaning of a true loving relationship. My husband was being of service to me and taking care of me, something quite foreign to me at times in my life. When we married we vowed to serve one another for the rest of our lives. I guess I wasn't expecting to be the one who was primarily on the receiving end of that vow for the past year. My husband has loved and served me more than anyone has in my whole entire life.
In this YEAR OF PAIN,(we will call it) God has shown me HIS PURE AND TRUE LOVE. Truth is all of the pain and the trials and tribulations that I had in this year were necessary. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm not the "POOR ME" type of person, in fact my husband might say that I'm the Warrior Type. I've trained myself to be tough, I can still hear my mom saying to me, "Your Tough, You can handle Anything". I've been the warrior ready for battle adorned with A suit of armor, my breastplate protecting my fragile heart and my bucket like helmet to shield my mind. Let’s not forget the mighty sword always handy to ward off the demons. My Medieval Knight/Warrior was always ready for battle, believing she was so protected by shielding herself. God broke me free from this Heavy Shield of Armor and he continues to amaze me, more and more each day. Looking back I can't believe I was so angry at God and my circumstances.
As a child I thought I could control my parents being happy, my friends being happy, and my world being happy. In Psychology, we call this type of child, the HERO Child. The problem with being the "HERO" child is that we weigh the whole weight of the world on our shoulders. We think we provide the self worth for the whole family and we can keep everyone from knowing our horrible secrets. We are responsible for "Our Family Life" being happy and joyous. We make sure and do everything right so that everyone is happy. We experience feelings of guilt and inadequacy which we cover up by overachieving and people pleasing. My sister was "The Bad Seed”, so of course I had to be the "Good Seed". I was a child living with adult responsibilities and stresses and I always thought I could make things better, and I kept on trying. I had to be perfect, I had to be the best, I had to be the one who didn't drink and didn't have fun like my sister did. If you recall, "I was tough, I could handle anything" as my mother use to tell me. Being the HERO for both parents is and was completely exhausting. I no longer have to live like that, I no longer have to be perfect, because in God's eyes I'm wonderful the way I am scars and all.
(Much of the information about the hero child was taken from this website: http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pageforty.html)
With both of my parents six feet under it's time to hang up my sword and take off my coat of armor. This guarded little 16 year old chooses to hang up her "Hero" hat and put on the hat I was meant to wear. My hat is made of sun kissed flowers and adorned with the green of the earth. I have entered the human race as a 43 year old woman who still has so much to learn about who she truly is and all the splendors of Life.
God never gave up on me, he was holding my hand and carrying me through out my life. It's only now that I'm FREE, FREE TO BE ME. It's almost as if I were a prisoner set free after many years of solitary confinement. I continue this Journey of the Creative Mind and I look forward to the work God wants me to do.
Note to self: it's amazing to wake up and realize I'm FREE
Picture Taken From: http://vi.sualize.us/artissimo/art,sketch/?waterflow