Light To My Soul

Let there be LIGHT to cover up the Darkness Underneath my heart and soul
No Hiding from the unsettled events of my past
The Past is DEAD and GONE
The Present is ALIVE
The Future is my ANSWER
FREEDOM, PEACE, and LOVE surround my SOUL
The LIGHT of The SPIRIT
The resting place and resolve to my SOUL

Note to self: I miss writing, it helps me to figure out who I am and where I'm going
I admit I need you guys

Where Was God? The Warrior/The Knight

(Picture from: http://theestherchew.blogspot.com/2010/07/we-need-more-knights.html)

I had to admit some COLD HARD FACTS about the person that I've been. This past year I've been truly PISSED OFF AT GOD. After being married to the Love of My Life and truly finding happiness I was injured of all things by my chiropractor. I then began the roller coaster ride of trying to find a cure for my severe pain. I saw Doctors, Physical Therapist, More Doctors, and then finally a Neurosurgeon. After countless pain medications, steroid injections, and many sleepless nights I had arrived at the inevitable, Surgery. I didn't admit it to myself then but I can admit it now, I was truly PISSED OFF AT GOD. I dare He put me in this situation, in pain, unable to sleep at times, basically a useless person to myself and to my family. An additional note my father was basically a vegetable waiting to die and yes he did all in this, "YEAR OF PAIN". Oh let's not forget to add to the "YEAR OF PAIN", my daughter had another surgery to move her pacemaker. As I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself, how did I make it through? I wanted to control the God I knew. I wanted my way, my time, my happiness, and all of that seemed like a dream that I would be unable to reach. I had married a wonderful man and my family was complete. I had a long list in my head of the person I thought I had to be, the PERFECT WIFE, the perfect HOUSEKEEPER, the perfect MOTHER, and the perfect COOK. Needless to say I could barely make it through some days, so I felt short of who I had to be. Too many " I's" can get you in trouble, God doesn't expect us to carry the weight of the world, that's His Job. (Thank Goodness)

If God doesn't do I's, what does God really do? God does what He wants to do! I have NO CONTROL OVER GOD and neither do any of us. I had somehow lost my way through the pain and was focused more on the " I's" than the one above. All I could see were the things that I couldn't do, for myself and for everyone that I loved. I truly realized how much pride I had in this year of pain. It was so difficult to let my husband do all the things I was supposed to do. He cooked, cleaned, and waited on me when I could barely move. In my mind I was supposed to be the one doing everything. Again, God had other plans, he showed me the meaning of a true loving relationship. My husband was being of service to me and taking care of me, something quite foreign to me at times in my life. When we married we vowed to serve one another for the rest of our lives. I guess I wasn't expecting to be the one who was primarily on the receiving end of that vow for the past year. My husband has loved and served me more than anyone has in my whole entire life.

In this YEAR OF PAIN,(we will call it) God has shown me HIS PURE AND TRUE LOVE. Truth is all of the pain and the trials and tribulations that I had in this year were necessary. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I'm not the "POOR ME" type of person, in fact my husband might say that I'm the Warrior Type. I've trained myself to be tough, I can still hear my mom saying to me, "Your Tough, You can handle Anything". I've been the warrior ready for battle adorned with A suit of armor, my breastplate protecting my fragile heart and my bucket like helmet to shield my mind. Let’s not forget the mighty sword always handy to ward off the demons. My Medieval Knight/Warrior was always ready for battle, believing she was so protected by shielding herself. God broke me free from this Heavy Shield of Armor and he continues to amaze me, more and more each day. Looking back I can't believe I was so angry at God and my circumstances.

As a child I thought I could control my parents being happy, my friends being happy, and my world being happy. In Psychology, we call this type of child, the HERO Child. The problem with being the "HERO" child is that we weigh the whole weight of the world on our shoulders. We think we provide the self worth for the whole family and we can keep everyone from knowing our horrible secrets. We are responsible for "Our Family Life" being happy and joyous. We make sure and do everything right so that everyone is happy. We experience feelings of guilt and inadequacy which we cover up by overachieving and people pleasing. My sister was "The Bad Seed”, so of course I had to be the "Good Seed". I was a child living with adult responsibilities and stresses and I always thought I could make things better, and I kept on trying. I had to be perfect, I had to be the best, I had to be the one who didn't drink and didn't have fun like my sister did. If you recall, "I was tough, I could handle anything" as my mother use to tell me. Being the HERO for both parents is and was completely exhausting. I no longer have to live like that, I no longer have to be perfect, because in God's eyes I'm wonderful the way I am scars and all.
(Much of the information about the hero child was taken from this website: http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pageforty.html)

With both of my parents six feet under it's time to hang up my sword and take off my coat of armor. This guarded little 16 year old chooses to hang up her "Hero" hat and put on the hat I was meant to wear. My hat is made of sun kissed flowers and adorned with the green of the earth. I have entered the human race as a 43 year old woman who still has so much to learn about who she truly is and all the splendors of Life.



God never gave up on me, he was holding my hand and carrying me through out my life. It's only now that I'm FREE, FREE TO BE ME. It's almost as if I were a prisoner set free after many years of solitary confinement. I continue this Journey of the Creative Mind and I look forward to the work God wants me to do.

Note to self: it's amazing to wake up and realize I'm FREE
Picture Taken From: http://vi.sualize.us/artissimo/art,sketch/?waterflow

My Friend's AA Birthday Card - Written by Me

I can't take credit for this wonderful peice of art, but I wish to share the website http://www.pomegranatedoyle.com/gallery
Something about the work speaks to my soul, BRAVO to your work I adore your pieces Pomegranate!

Letter to Friend: (She has 11 Years of Sobriety)
On this special day Remember; Never abandon your Dreams for they are the foundations of YOUR SOUL.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it, just as he has carried you, held your hand, and stroked your hair.
Isaiah 43:2 “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown, when you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you”
"Remember: It's ok to look back and see how far you have come, just don’t stare.”
Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it as you are molding your Serenity and Peace each and every day like an artist perfects his strokes.
"Remember; don't run so fast that your guardian angel can't keep up"
I will always be here for you, through the rivers of difficulty and the JOYS OF THE SUN. I see so much beauty inside you that is still waiting to come out. God is still molding you into HIS MASTERPIECE and HE is amazed and in AWE OF YOU.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Thank you for always being here for me and the girls, you are the BIG SISTER I look up to.

- Rev Up Your Engine - LET IT FLOW

Taken From Heaven Letters:  http://www.heavenletters.org/turn-on-the-lights.html

God said:
Automatic. Love is automatic. Only you have stepped in and tried to boss love around. You want love to appear on signal. You want to dress it up. You want to whip it into shape.
The word love may be too much for you to handle. Then use the word care. Can you admit that you are a caring person? Can you tell Me that you do not care? You care a lot. Your caring may be skewed, but that you are someone who cares cannot be in dispute. You care deeply even for all that which you say you do not care about.
Perhaps as a child, you did not care about school. Or did you? Even in boredom and antipathy, you cared. You may have cared so much that you turned off your caring.
Later in romance, you cared so much that, when the one you cared about did not return your caring, your caring turned around into not caring.
Will you turn on the lights of your love once again, and just love, and love some more, and, now, in your heart and in your mind, greet all those you had turned your heart from. Allow yourself to care.
Care about yourself as well.
Some would call this caring the same as forgiving. Even erase forgiving, and just admit you care. If you had not cared, you would not have hardened your heart. A hardened heart is a heart that spoke. The heart said: “I will NOT care. I will cast this person or this event or series of events from my heart. I will evict whatever hurts from my heart of hearts. Period. I will not let someone or something stay within. I turn them out. I put up a sign in big red letters: ‘No admittance.’ I put up another sign: ‘Stay out.’”
And so you let discordance in. You close your heart and say: “Hardeners, welcome.” “Firmness, welcome.” “Fierceness, welcome.” “Ice, welcome.” “Grit, welcome.” “Sandpaper, welcome.” “Abrasion, welcome.” And, so, your heart becomes rust.

I HAVE A HEART OF GOLD, Now melt the gold of your heart so that it can once again flow through every corner of the world.
Your love can be silent. You can carry on love in silence. And yet your love will be heard. You will hear it. You will hear the rush and flow of love, and you will be inundated with it and the love in your heart will open its reserve, and the world will once again be the land of milk and honey. Flow gently, heart of love.
Your heart is meant to change the world. By the love flowing in your heart, the world will change. All your demands and insistence that the world reform are counter-productive. All your instructions are naught. All your knowing better how the world should turn is naught. All your superiority is naught. Love alone prevails.
Start with love. Start love up. Even if your heart has been like an antique car in the garage, turn that crank. Rev up that car. Zoom with it. Restore this garaged heart of yours and let it take off. Let it get going again. Turn on the ignition. Turn on the lights of your heart. Back out of the driveway, and then shift gears. Even an unused boarded-up heart can shift gears.

Note To God:  God, I will let my Antique Car out of the driveway and shine it right up.I may need a Tune Up but I have all the parts inside my hood. I CARE, MY HEART IS OPEN, I'm Reving up my ENGINE ready to go this Journey is my future what shall I find on my Journey?
A life filled with TRUE LOVE

Note To The Person's I have hardened my heart towards: Mom, Dad, Janelle (Sister), My high school friends, Katie, Kathy, Kellie, Kay, Claire, Crissy, Simone, Carol Anne, Lisa. My family, Aunt Jackie and Uncle Larry, Paw Paw and Maw Maw, Hailey, Chloe, Jason and Penny  and Most of all to MYSELF, no more self hatred

OPEN YOUR HEART REV UP YOUR ENGINE, here is my wild MUSTANG

Breathe

Alas, I abandon the desires of the heart

Passion and Love have no place in this desolate heart

Ravage my inner soul and take my breathe

The Void within in my soul will not go unredeemed

I cling to this sorrow but believe

My duration of pity will banish from my being

Awake all the while to the fascination of True Love

Breathe! Endure this affliction I will

Alas, I have spoken my revelation

Breathe! The torment is fleeting from my conscience

            - Copyright © 2007 Karin A. D’Aunoy


Photo taken from website: Joanne Castelli Castor painting
http://fineartamerica.com/featured/i-can-hear-her-breathing-joanne-castelli-castor.html